| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|09:39 am] |
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I'm at the library before work and it just seems to me that livejournal is totally useless. Apart from the few people who I can kinda follow with it, I would probably never use this or post on it. I am not really a journaler. Hope you are staying warm. Be well whomever actually reads this! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|02:56 am] |
I've been enjoying so many of my friends, the new and the old. I am so f-ing lucky to have these friends. Some other friends, though, seem to have dropped off the face of the universe. For those latter friends, I am still here when you need me just get in contact cause I'm sick of being the only one reaching out. And if that sounds a little angry perhaps it is but I won't be angry when I hear from you. And to my friends who have dropped me, you will probably never read this, but I forgive you and hope in my heart that you can forgive me for whatever wrongs I have done to you. (This is kinda directed at Danielle who seems to still occasionally look at this blog. If you see this, feel free to write me, I would love to hear from you regardless of the anger you may hold towards me. I still wish you the best.)
The summer is coming to a close and I really want to take my bike for a trip before the weather gets too bad to enjoy it. I can't wait to get away from this place on mercer. |
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| Berries |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|02:04 pm] |
Bellingham is still so sweet. I wish I had enough sugar to sweeten everyone's lives.
Unfortunately, I put all the sugar into a batch of blackberry wine; so I'll have to get everyone a little drunk instead. |
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| give-and-TAKE |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|11:20 pm] |
Can you be aware that you are being manipulated and still go along with it happily?
Maybe, but it doesn't seem to last very long. |
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| Music that tears itself apart |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|05:59 am] |
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Celebration is a state of mind but it really helps to get into that state when there are a lot of other people in that same state and they are right around you and you can fully interact with them. On that note, Happy Fourth of July: lets get celebratory-minded about this nation not being completely ruled by the rich or the british or the government, for that matter. |
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| compromise is a two-headed beast (with fangs) |
[Jun. 25th, 2009|12:10 am] |
I am done being emotionally compromised. The things that I thought I wanted I don't really want. I need to just relax and focus on living and being the best ben I can be. Everything else will fall into place.
I guess no one read or liked my last post cause there were no comments, and I thought I was somewhat eloquent. Whatev |
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| Lifetime is catching up with me |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|05:13 am] |
Nighttime turns to morning so quickly.
I have always had trouble sleeping. Since as far back as I can remember I would stay up late as I could and find things to do and get into trouble. Exploration is important. Exaltation is just as important and nights are often the best for that too.
A lot of nights, particularly the hard ones (like this one) I sit or lay and think about things. Historically, I've a problem where I think about deep (read: existential) questions and problems too much. When I am patient with myself and I can focus and meditate more clearly anything will pop into my head. This night has had some sad truth to it.
And yet, Truth always has some beauty too.
Now that I see how love works and how I work in it more clearly I do not know how best to continue. I can define love but seeking it does not find it. Giving it freely may be nice but it does nothing to assure it in any way or in any particular person. When you find that person who feels right and you try too hard, she runs away; scared of getting tied down. When you find that person who feels right and you play it cool and take it slow, she loses interest; thinking maybe you really just aren't that into her. Timing is essential, but in most ways basically random, in the process: we have even at best little control of that either.
i.e. The girl who is right for you will never be with you while she is dating someone else seriously, and certainly not if you are looking for someone who you can trust and who embodies the necessary loyalty, to be that woman.
When you are "in love" as this culture would put it, (somewhat high school, I know) or infatuated (for lack of a more glamorous expression) with a person than it is very difficult to see their faults but the interest, the attraction are effortless. They are new and perfect for you and it seems like nothing will dissuade you of it. When you deeply love someone, there is a trust there, but also you generally build that trust from ground up and you know that person well, faults and all: you can see them for what they are or even deeper to who they are. This knowing them will make them really annoying at times because you will see their faults clearly and yet have little power to change them. The latter is far less romantic but to me seems so much more real. Can you have both? Don't think so. Can the former grow into the latter? Not easily in my experience, although this is the most common path people suggest to marital bliss. Statistical analysis (read: books and psychology shit I've read) suggests that it is rare for this to work. Can the latter grow into the former? I am still analyzing it but psychology strongly suggests numerous good reasons that for humans it just doesn't work that way. Now any ways about it you are going to pick a strategy and hope that the person you are with will be on the same wavelength as you. Nothing destroys friendships like one person suddenly expressing sexual interest in the other (assuming it is not mutual). Maybe you can get them interested but then what happens if/when it doesn't work: most likely you've lost a friend. So you really can't fuck your good friends without risking trouble.
Deeper to the problem than that, this culture has no accepted dating/courtship rituals so everything is practically a free for all. It seems like everyone has some idea (mental schema) of how it's supposed to go but no one is quite able to explain it. (I blame hollywood for this, we all have a slight ability to imagine it but when pressed with reason this mental image falls into so much bullshit, like a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts.) Since the sexual "revolution" of the nineties, the double standard is gone (for the most part) but instead of finding common ground in the middle it was one-sided. Women are not only allowed to have many partners without being looked down upon, pop culture makes it seem like women are supposed to have many partners or something is wrong with them ("Maybe you're just not pretty enough... Bullshit!!! Looks have little to do with it and you know it!) So while I think that there is nothing wrong with sowing a little seed while one is young and curious, I would appreciate more people who can talk about sex with a healthy emotional perspective, and practice sex emotionally without thinking they are unhealthy. The people who talk about sex seem to do it for the power it seems to hold, like talking about it means your better than someone else, or that you get it more often than they do. Unlike all that shitty porn that feeds on this fake sexual revolution, I don't really have interest in tons of partners or throwing myself at every short skirted bimbo that looks my way. Moreover, that would be pointless, everyone knows that the way to not get SEX is to TRY to get SEX, at least usually not as guys are concerned. You have to be charming and show interest in the person and take it slow and have a plan to get them into bed and generally, worst of all: lie. I just don't think I want sex enough to lie. I know that lying would probably make it easier but it would be so much more meaningless. If I am lying for sex I shouldn't be having it. And anyone who wants to give me shit for the past, just understand and believe that I've changed principally and that I won't go back to that juvenile self. And if somehow I am lying for sex and you know it, call me on it. That is what a true friend would do.
Alas, clarity must eventually fade and you cannot see the whole picture and the small print at the same time.
The birds are chirping, the sun rises, and here I am: still awake.
It seems like many if not most people (in this country?) live as if always trying to be happy is somehow morally acceptable as a start, or as an end. I think that from my experience and consideration that strategy fails as either and certainly as both. There has to be something else that one lives for: maybe an aspect of themselves they focus and hone (a talent or skill perhaps), or for their culture, or family, for their idea of the better good, for their children and all children and to assure a better life for future mankind. These last ones are truly admirable goals but to expect results in them is optimistic. I believe that till the end we have to be optimistic. Humans have created, destroyed, and changed the world and put it so out of balance... well dammit!! We are capable of putting it back into balance... once we figure out what that is, if we survive as a species long enough. But one thing is clear: if we keep buying this bullshit consumer culture and media full of deception and lies, then our chance and our lives will be gone and there will be less there for our children and their children.
This is such an incredibly beautiful world and I want to keep it that way even if that means life is going to be harder for me. |
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| Holidaze |
[Dec. 11th, 2008|01:19 pm] |
I am sick of my father, but that's nothing new. I am fairly certain that this holiday season holds nothing special in store for me. So far I have been able to avoid falling hopelessly into intractable depression but I need a job and some meaning to my life. I want to thank the people who are still friends because I really appreciate them. I see that they are a broad assortment of characters and I know that for the most part I can trust them to be there for me when I need them.
Still, the fact that I will not have anyone to kiss this New Years has dawned on me and I don't like it.
Here's to holiday cheer and the hope that it doesn't destroy our otherwise fragile nation. Here's to Obama and the hope that he really does change things for the better for those hardest hit and hungry in this downturn economy.
Wish me luck finding work cause I really need it. I wish you all
Happy Holidays!! |
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| What the fuck? |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|02:40 am] |
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I may eventually be okay, but right now from my perspective everything is fucked. Things will be better when I can get a good nights rest. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|01:30 pm] |
I'm pretty sure that tonight I am finally leaving Seattle to go up to Bellingham for a while. I have so much to do but I'm not getting much of anything done here. I know what needs doing and I know I'm actually on it from here on.
Regina Spektor Rocks!!
Fleet Foxes Harmonize!!
and
ABBA Sucks!!
Internet is way too distracting for daily use!
Get outside while it's still SUMMER!!!! |
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| Arizona trippin |
[May. 27th, 2008|02:25 am] |
I have survived three days of touring Arizona with my father!!! We were so terribly rude to each other; I'm glad no one knows how bad it got. Things were said that should not be repeated, I'll leave it at that.
Now I am back in Phoenix in said father's apartment. Tomorrow I may try to finish that round of disk golf that was so rudely interrupted by torrential downpour and twenty mile-an-hour winds which blew my disks into the river no matter which way I threw them. Also before I leave Phoenix I plan to hike up the tallest mountain in the area so I can finally see what this hideous sprawling city looks like when you get high enough to see all of it. I'll likely to hang out with my friend Casey tomorrow before he goes back to WA. We will see what unfolds. Wednesday night I come back to Seattle. I should be back in Bellingham Sunday.
For now I must get sleep.
Also I miss many people who have fallen out of contact. I can only try so long to reach people and I'm ashamed that I haven't contacted certain people (namely Amy) in such a long time that it makes it harder to restart.
Okay, sleep.
Bye |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|04:30 am] |
I have lost connection to my life. I do plenty every day and don't feel like hurting myself. Let me be clear that I do not mean to be whining and don't want anyone worrying.
In many ways I'm doing great: least depressed I've been in years. Unfortunately, I still feel distant and disconnected from everything. I feel "on the outside, looking in" on existence. Sadly, it may be a result of my trying to meditate everyday. I don't know if I should continue if this feeling of distance and general apathy continue.
Connecting with people is really hard and that bothers me. Plenty of time helps but nothing can assure that actual communication will take place between people ever. I have less and less to say to anyone these days.
Please don't take offense to that. |
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| workingness |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|01:07 am] |
I love working (particularly working BOOKS) and all but I need to find something pleasing to do that is steady. I can't get excited about any careers (bike repair experience, carpentry assistant, landscapingbut I really need to figure out a major direction and I need it now. I'm pretty good with my hands, perhaps I can be a locksmith. Also I've started considering the french foreign legion again. I don't think they have height requirements like the mounties. It's be better to be a frenchman than a canadian. Also I can get a new identity and no longer have to admit that I was ever an american "swine".
Job should be over in a few days. I need to do my taxes now. I miss Bellingham. I need to throw a party. A cocktail party where people dress up for a change and I can pour people really nice drinks and make them do ridiculous things. Who's up for limbo?
In other news, I saw an old friend today and it was really nice. Reminded me that sometimes it can really be worth it following up and contacting people. I hope to hang out again soon. With all of y'all.
P.S: Word to Amos for finding work in B-ham. |
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| Looking for work |
[Mar. 14th, 2008|07:26 pm] |
Looking for a job is a pain in the ass and everybody knows it. Is it even realistic thinking that I can find a good job in Bellingham? I just want to be gainfully doing something with myself. If anyone has any leads or any good ideas please feel free to share.
In happy news, my good friend Layla turns Twenty-one today. Happy Birthday Layla, you have now reached fully-legality. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|10:46 pm] |
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There are a few things I still have to do in NY but I've been emotionally ready to go back to Washington for days. I will be back on the 11th, but not until the late evening. |
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| New Years |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|01:20 pm] |
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I have been trying to make a list of things that make me happy and are (for lack of a better phrase) "reasons to live." Anyone have any ideas other than just naming people who care about me and want me to keep living? The job really isn't doing it right now. Thanks and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! |
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| Christmas will be over very soon |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|07:25 pm] |
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I feel so shitty but I've been smiling at people for over four hours. This job isn't the reason that I'm down but it doesn't help. I'm starting to feel like an automaton. |
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| Working |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|07:30 pm] |
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I have a job and it is good. Or at least, everything seems manageable and all the other employees seem nice so far. So I worked 8 hours today; pretty good for a first day. Most of that time was running the register, without any supervision. I think I'm going to fit in pretty well over at Terra Organica. Hopefully, I'll get a raise pretty soon too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|04:14 pm] |
There is a cancer, a cyst in my chest; filling up with all the emotion, passion, desire, pain that I lock away. I try to run from it but I carry it around everywhere I go, ignoring it as best I can. Every now and then (always at the worst time) it bursts and I start crying for no rational reason. I can't help it. I cannot cry at the times when it is most fitting and when I need to. I feel no pity for myself at all. I know I am lucky to have things as good as I do. I just wish I wasn't such a mess inside.
Emo emo angst mope whine. |
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| Finished with college |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|07:19 am] |
I think I just finished the last thing necessary to graduate from Western.
Now what the fuck do I do??? |
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